we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
