The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
