Define "chronic" masturbator.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
