I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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