I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
