Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
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