On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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