Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
