at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
