I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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