no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
