I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
