There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
