I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
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