remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
We need to rekindle our bromance
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
