WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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