If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
