he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
