got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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