U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
