Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
