does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
