Just cropdusted the office
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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