I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
