hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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