I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
