All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
