I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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