Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
