And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
