I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Randomize
