i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
