OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
