Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
