Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
