I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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