I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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