Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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