The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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