Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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