I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
