My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Randomize
