Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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