forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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