Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
