Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
