my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I won't apologize to a one balled man
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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