Need sex. Gaining weight.
It was confusing and full of hummus
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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