He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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