do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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