I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
