There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
