Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
