ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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