my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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