I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
