Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
