woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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