everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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